May 1st, 2020 will forever remain a dark day in my life and in the lives of my family as it was the day my dad passed. I have narrated this experience countless number of times, during his funeral, but this is for the record, how I felt.
During the COVID-19 lockdown, my dad was recovering from a Coronary Bypass Surgery that happened on December 25th, 2019. He was always an active person. He hated to sit still in one place. Working was how he rested.
True to his nature, he had returned to work long before the 90 days resting period had been complete. Though he was hasty in returning to work, he did so with care. For him, his clients and their cases were more important than taking rest. He would talk to them regularly and meet with them when his counsel was unavoidable.
Even though he had returned to work before the 90day mark, his recovery from the surgery was amazing. This fact was echoed by many of his doctors. But the COVID-19 lockdown made sure his body got the rest it deserved.
Glued to the television that was showing report after report about the COVID-19 pandemic, he found himself relaxing with his family. This was the first time after my parents’ marriage, that they were doing chores together in the house. For one whole month, my parents lived how retired people should live. Talking for hours on end, doing chores together, and relaxing. Dad understood how mom ran the house every day, when he was in his office fighting for his clients. He saw how wife kept the family together.
As the lockdown neared its end, he was getting ready to go back to office and get back to being a badass lawyer. Most of all, he was happy to get out of the house and be in his element, after being trapped inside for a long time. The Superman gets his powers from the sun, right? He cannot stay away from it forever.
One day, out of the blue, he got ill. He developed a difficulty in breathing. We ruled-out COVID-19 as he was not in contact with anybody outside the house. He had a blocked nose and symptoms of cold as well. We attributed that to the change in weather and his habit of sleeping with the Air-conditioning ON.
We talked to the doctors and as per their advice we took medications for two days to see if he was getting better. Indeed, he was getting better with the medication. But the pace was slow, and so on May 1st, we decided to go see the doctor, an E.N.T specialist.
In the hospital they took an ECG and diagnosed that he may be suffering from Left Ventricular Failure and the difficulty in breathing was caused due to this. They told me to shift him immediately to another hospital specializing in Cardiology. We took him to the Hospital where he had is Coronary Bypass Surgery.
When we reached the hospital, he was taken to the casualty from where he was referred to the airborne diseases ward, as per COVID-19 guidelines. Any patient showing symptoms of respiratory illness should be cleared negative by the COVID-19 tests before moving on to the respective departments. Even bystanders were not allowed to see the patient easily, once the patient was admitted into the airborne diseases ward. I was waiting outside the ward and due to hospital policy surrounding COVID-19.
We talked to the doctors. They discussed with doctors from the cardiology department and the people who performed his bypass surgery. Meanwhile, they had stabilized the patient. My family had also arrived by then, ready for dad’s hospitalization. He had to shifted to the ICU for further investigations and treatment.
After the decision was made, dad asked to see me and for a drink of water. I got a bottle of water and went inside to see him. He asked me, “They are saying I need to be admitted. Will that do any good?”.
I was not sure how to answer that, knowing that he hated to be hospitalized, and he hinted to mom before, that if his condition recurs or worsens, he does not wish to be hospitalized again.
“Of course, admitting to ICU will do good. It’s like apples and oranges. Admission has its advantages.”. I replied.
“Do not worry, I am right here, and mom and brother was waiting right outside”, I continued. The nurses took the bottle of water from me and asked me to wait outside.
After a little while, they called me again to let me know that they are moving him to the ICU, and we can see him in front of the ICU. Through the door, while talking, I could see that they were preparing dad for the shifting. They put a protective plastic cover around him to keep him safe from infections, or keep the outside safe from any infections he may have.
I ran to the ICU, but was waylaid by elevators being cleaned. I had run up the stairs, and by the time I reached the ICU door, dad was already inside and I waited outside the ICU door.
After a short while, I was called inside by the physician. He told me, dad’s condition deteriorated severely as he reached the ICU. They are not sure what went wrong, and he said, dad’s heart is not in a satisfactory state and that expectations are zero. He went back inside and I went cold.
Standing by the ICU door then, for the first time in my life, I did not know what to do. As some sort of reflex, I took my phone out, unlocked it, opened the phone app to call someone and my brain froze then. It could not figure out what to do next.
The doctor came out again in a short while (or a long while, I lost track of time by that point) and said “His heart is refusing to be stable, it crashes after we revive it.”. He might have understood from my empty stare, that I was zoned out. He asked me whether I was alone. My brain had switched to autopilot and replied, “My mom and brother are here. They are outside the building. Please arrange for them to come up here and see dad”.
The doctor made the necessary calls and let my family inside the building.
I called my brother on the phone and told him “Come up with mom. There is something wrong”. They came up and saw me standing there in drenched in horror and disbelief. The doctor had come out again and told us to go inside with him to see dad. Though the autopilot knew dad was gone, the hopeful part was still hoping for a miracle. Some magical occurrence by which dad was alive and well.
I saw my dad was laying on the ICU bed motionless. I knew his soul had left, his body was cold. The ECG machine read an almost perfectly flat line. My eyes were soaked as I walked towards him. My brother was the first to touch his feet and say his goodbyes. I waited with my palms together in prayer.
Once my brother was done with his goodbyes, I touched his feet and told him, “You should have waited just a little while longer. There is so much I want to ask you and tell you. You should have waited a little while longer. I love you and I miss you. Be safe and take care dad.”
After the body was brought home and the funeral was done, the days sped away and today is the 23rd of May 2020. Ever since my dad left us, when I am alone, I talk to him, hoping that my brain has enough memories of him to construct an imaginary dialogue in my head.
I realize that death is a part of life, an end that brings meaning to the days that a person were alive. At the time of death, those who are touched by the soul of the departed will come and share the grief. Everyone will share stories and lessons they learned from the deceased. I love hearing stories of my dad from friends of his and family members. How dedicated he was to his job and how loving and caring he was, in his own quirky ways.
After this many days of his passing, I realize, along with the big things I miss about him, I miss the little things just as much. How he called me, How he would respond to situations, the exclamations he would make, his laughter, the way he talked to his clients, etc.
Above all, I will miss his absolutely positive vibe, his awesome smile and the way he would make us feel comfortable and happy with his words and affection.
I love my dad and I miss him. The legend, the badass lawyer, Superhero to his clients and me. He left some pretty big shoes to fill, and we will try our best to make him proud.
To my dad, I want to say,
“Until we meet again, Ciao!”